Cruising for (canine) companionship

(From my 2003 column in the Frederick area Gazette newspapers)

I come from a long line of people who forget about common sense when confronted with a wet nose and wagging tail. My grandmother shared breakfast daily with her fox terrier, Snooky. Every morning MeMa dunked her donut in coffee, offered Snooky a bite, and then took a bite herself. Dunk, bite, bite, until the donut was gone.

My husband, Jeff, who had the pleasure of meeting both MeMa and Snooky, should have realized that I couldn’t remain dogless for long after our cocker spaniel died. Instead, he was surprised and furious when I committed the ultimate crime: bringing home an unauthorized puppy.

I can’t really blame him for not understanding. The problem stems from a fundamental difference between Jeff’s relatives and mine. My side of the family believes animals belong seated at the dinner table. Jeff’s family believes animals should be presented on a plate, medium rare with gravy on the side.

Our conflict began when I secretly began cruising the Frederick Humane Society the way some people cruise singles bars.

Like most women, I didn¹t cruise alone. My friend, Mary, who was looking for Mr. Goodcat, accompanied me. After perusing the kitties, we rounded the corner to the doggy department and there she was, sixteen pounds of scrawny black and tan coonhound pup. Our eyes met, and I knew she could see deep into my soul.

"Look at those enormous paws -- this dog will be huge!" Mary exclaimed. "And your husband will freak," she reminded me. But it was too late.

For those unfamiliar with the breed, a black and tan coonhound is a large, energetic, floppy-eared dog used for hunting raccoons, deer and bear. Picture Mickey Mouse’s dog, Pluto, sporting a Doberman’s paint scheme. A sensible suburbanite would have left the building immediately, dog-free, but as I’ve mentioned, I am not a sensible person.

"Jeff will fall in love as soon as he sees her," I assured myself as I completed the adoption papers. If Jeff needed additional convincing, I theorized that a little bonus time in the marital bed would cure him.

The reality was somewhat different. Enraged, Jeff refused to even look at Sunny. He saw through my feminine ploys and stoically slept on the couch. Luckily, we love each other quite a bit, and four years later, he has almost reached the point of forgiving me for my transgression.

Despite her father’s antagonism, Sunny has grown into a good-natured 75-pound dog who loves everyone. At our house, burglars and escaped convicts would be greeted with the same joyous celebration as the president of MilkBone International.

I’ll admit I didn’t like Sunny much when she deposited a steamy, fragrant load in the back seat of my Honda Civic, or after she rolled in a rotting rabbit carcass. But overall, I’m looking forward to growing old with both Sunny and Jeff. And I’d share a donut with either one of them.

Heartbreaking teenaged angst

So the hubby and the daughter are in the throes of some angst-filled teenage weep-a-thon downstairs. I am hiding.

Whines, moans,and sobs are alternating with actual words. There, I think she just said "I want a ham sandwich!" Either that or "You don't understand me!" Now that I think about it, it's probably the latter.

I really should be keeping score. Ooooh, a triple combo of "nobody likes me" with a double "it's not fair!" Ten points at least for difficulty!

I think I'm going to run away from home.

Random acts...

tammy9903

I returned home yesterday and discovered that my mother and daughter had decorated my house with ornaments. Ornaments on the chandelier, ornaments hanging from doorknobs, ornaments hanging from the kitchen cabinets. The tree, however, was completely bare. Apparently they had been practicing random acts of ornamentation.

Wouldn't that be a great name for a book?

Happy holidays!

American Idol concert pictures

Concert tickets on eBay: $200
Concert parking: $8
Snacks at the arena: $20
Program: $25
Concert T-shirt: $30
Three hours in which my teenager smiles, laughs and speaks pleasantly with me: PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

In honor of our new deck!

In honor of the new deck my talented husband is building, I bring you a SPIN CYCLE column from the archives, entitled:

"When home repairs are needed, it’s GoFer Girl to the rescue!"

When something goes wrong with our house – a leaky faucet, a broken appliance, a rodent invasion -- I know I’m in trouble. The room begins to spin. Gone are my weekend dreams of napping, reading and sewing. I try to adjust the horizontal. I try to adjust the vertical. Alas, it is too late. I’ve been sucked into The Home Improvement Zone.

Some men prefer to have their wives call a repairman, thus resolving home repair issues with a wave of the credit card. For my husband, Jeff, this would be the ultimate insult.

At the slightest hint of household trouble, Jeff steps into a phone booth, whirls around, and is magically transformed into Do-It-Yourself Man. He’s quite a handsome spectacle with his tool belt tugging his pants down and his Home-Depot-orange cape fluttering in the breeze.

Naturally, Do-It-Yourself Man cannot work alone. He requires his trusty sidekick, GoFer Girl. Without so much as a costume change, I fetch screwdrivers, socket wrenches, sandwiches and beer. I shlep two-by-fours, shop-vacs and sledgehammers. I cheerfully fulfill my GoFer Girl duty until the moment I dread arrives.

“I need sixteen more of these,” Jeff says, holding up a mysterious metal object that I can only describe as a “thingamajig.” I hold my breath, waiting for the other work boot to drop. “I got them at 84 Lumber.”

Now don’t get me wrong, 84 Lumber is a fine establishment, but it is clearly no-woman’s land. Unlike a bustling home-improvement center, there are no perky employees to coach you, no helpful signs to guide you, no sponge painting seminars to inspire you. Instead, there’s a somewhat grumpy-looking guy named Joe. In fact, they’re all named Joe. Always.

I arrive at my destination, approach the counter and announce, in my most confident Gofer Girl voice, that I need sixteen more of these. A slight smile plays across Joe’s lips, and I can tell he lives for these moments.

“Well, what you have here is your basic hydraulic hydro-magnetic quasi-nuclear variable-speed widget agitator,” Joe utters. Although he does not call me “little lady,” I can see it in his eyes.

Joe pauses to scratch himself thoughtfully, and I know the moment of truth has arrived. “Do you need this in high density polycarbide or with a multi-density gold-plated steel shaft?” Naturally, I do not know, so like E.T., I must phone home.

Several phone calls later, I’m headed home with the proper widget agitators in hand. That’s one trip to the hardware store down, another nine or ten to go, and Do-It-Yourself Man’s project will be completed. And to think, he does it all by himself.

January Journal Quilt 2006

"Their Hearts Grew Four Sizes That Day"
January Journal Quilt

This month's Journal Quilt focuses on the birth of my best friend's baby, which brought back memories of my own daughter's birth13 years ago. When I saw the delivery room photos-- their very first family pictures--I was struck by the joy on their faces and by the similarity to our photos, and to the photos of every happy family upon the birth of a child. That intense joy, those overwhelming feelings of love and pride, mixed with wonder and disbelief-- that is really what connects us a"l.

I decided to demonstrate the "connectedness" using the family photos framed by linked hearts. The heart on she right is outlined in bright pink, which is Betsy's signature color, and filled with light blue to represent her son. My heart is outlined with neon green, one of my signature colors, and filled with pink to represent my daughter. I printed the family photos on cream colored fabric and cut them out with a pinking blade rotary cutter to make them look like old-fashioned photos.

I used the raggedy reverse applique technique, which I saw on Simply Quilts. I also used scattered seed beads in pink,
blush and perriwinkle blue to convey joy and add sparkle.

Next month, I'm considering doing a portrait quilt of my husband, focusing on his love of the outdoors--and his total misery upon being trapped inside all winter long!!!!!